ConfEssiONs of A rEAl-LiFE groWn uP

    Being an adult is great. Me personally, I'd take it over being a kid any day. Yeah, I have to pay bills and be "responsible" and all of that grown up stuff. But I'd rather drive a real car with a real radio, than a plastic car with residue leftover from the stickers my brother pulled off the dash.

   I'm not exactly sure when I officially crossed the line into the world of adulthood, but so far it has been better than I ever imagined. I love staying up as late as I want, eating as much processed cheese-in-a-can as I desire, and guess what? I can go on a harmless date to the local music store and coffee shop...just like I did 6 years ago...except this time... NO QUESTIONS ASKED! It is woNDerFul!

   I won't say I haven't had a few bumps in the road as a licensed adult. I have lost people I care about, made tough decisions, and I've been broke as a joke, too. From experience, I know that sometimes you have to roll with the punches. You really can make it through anything...It is all in how you handle yourself. There are a few unexpected things, however, that I'm still learning how to deal with as a grown up...

   1. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I have had some work experience, but I am afraid it's nothing that will be very beneficial for my resume. Take our town's local drive-in for example. Employers these days aren't exactly looking for someone who has extensive experience in smelling like a cheesy fried jalapeno. The only thing that was good for was landing a date.

    I'm a "college student" right now, which is a term I don't associate myself with much. I like to think of myself as a good driver, and when I think of said group of individuals who are shaping the future of our world, I think of crazy drivers and getting "frat boy wasted."
  What I am saying here is that I thought adults knew what they were going to do for the rest of time! I started hearing about college and careers before I can even remember! It's not like I haven't had years to make a decision, but I still just can't commit to one thing! That, I blame Barbie for.

   2. Running around in the sprinkler in your front (or back) yard with out your undies is NOT okay. It is hot outside. Sometimes, the only thing more refreshing than running around in your sprinkler on a sizzling summer day, is to do so with out underwear. Which was perfectly acceptable as a kid. Then it was cute. Now it is either really scary, or a good way to attract sexual predators to your neighborhood. Bummer.

   3. I always think to myself about how it would be so pleasant to sit on my couch with a snuggie and a book, sippin' on some vino. I close my eyes and think about it. I would have freshly shaven legs, and wear an ungodly amount of my favorite fragrance. The room would be quiet and dimly lit...my husband would casually walk into the room and ask to rub my feet as I daintily reach for a piece cheese . I'd be so enveloped in my murder mystery and wine, and it would be just lovely. I reach for my beautiful bargain wine glass that I found on clearance at TJ Maxx, press my dewy soft lips to it...and then... I  hysterically spew my fine Italian wine (whose name I cannot pronounce) all over my magic-handed hubby. 
   I tell him 'I don't understand' as he screams in pain as his eyes are burning. I thoroughly read Wine for Dummies the night before as I watched Cheers and drank a glass of Crown Royal over ice. I paired my selection with the prettiest grapes I could find, and the neat little Babybel cheese wheels. I thought I was doing everything right, and the taste of that wine still made me want to...well, I guess I actually did...vomit. 
   No matter who I ask, what kind I buy, what I serve with it...wine is just gross. I think that no one actually enjoys the taste of it, they just pretend to so their friends won't turn their noses up at them. That is why you drink such small sips of wine. I always thought it was just so you could look and feel fancy-schmancy, but it turns out it's a cover up. A scam! My dreams of a magical night of cozy, sophisticated reading are ruined. Forever.
   Being a grown up is not too shabby, people. You will be just fine if you remember that Barbie lies, and grab the bottle of Patron instead of the Cabernet. No need to thank me. Just be glad I warned you of the things that the adults in my life forgot to mention.