I've found that their is a huge misconception concerning life as a parent. Your incredibly important existence on this earth, which consists of sleeping all day, getting yourself into all kinds of shenanigans with your landlord at night, and keeping up with those Kardashian girls, suddenly gets replaced with diapers, vomit, soccer practice, and...eww...mom clothes. This horrible little monster you created is taking over and you are powerless to stop it!
Don't you dare let that stop you from reproducing! I have great news! When you give birth, things definitely change, but the good changes outweigh the bad ones. (Note: Eventually your child will learn to wipe their own butt.) Being a mom has given me some rights that my non-mom friends only wish they could have...
Public playgrounds...a grown-up's paradise.
Don't be so modest. You know you want to slide down that twisty, twirly slide across from the rope bridge. Guess what? Plummeting face first down a positively charged tunnel of darkness, only to be greeted by a mouthful of hot sand, never felt so good. Climbing back up is even better. Your friend's cousin's son is having a birthday party? Consider going. Wrap a ten dollar bill in some foil, and if nothing else, think of the crumbled cake floating in melted ice cream that you will be enjoying later. This is the perfect opportunity for you to revisit a magical place. When you see how much fun those kids are having, you may be a little jealous. Solution? Have a a few of your own. When you emerge from the bottom of that killer slide, hair all over the place, no one will judge you. After all, you are just playing tag with little Johnny and Sally.
Sidewalk Chalk
I don't think this needs much explanation folks. Maybe I am crazy, but I LOVE sidewalk chalk! They make it different these days you know? Better! More colors! More vibrant! It just so happens that my kid loves it too. She asks me to draw a shark and before you know it, our driveway is an oceanic utopia. People walk past our house and think that I am expanding my child's imagination, when I am really just having the time of my life making murals. It is perfectly acceptable!
PB & J and Fruit by the Foot
Having a child also increases your opportunities to eat awesome food. My daughter's lunch usually consists of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, CapriSun, Fruit-by-the-Foot, and maybe a string cheese. Have you eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich lately? Instant joy. And do you know how much better cheese is when you can peel it and pretend it is a worm?!?! I make these lunches for us often, usually to save time, but it is so surprisingly wonderful to eat them. I thought that people would wonder why my lunch box looks like it belongs to a third grader. Incorrect! When I have this lunch, I am that cool kid (yeah...that kid.) who always had the coolest Treasure Trolls Thermos, with the coolest food that everyone wished they had. People fight to sit by me so they can see what I am grubbin' on, and hope to score my leftovers No, I will not trade my Mondo for your water, and don't even think about trying to give me those carrots.
Your life is certainly not over when you become a parent. In a way, your life starts over. Beginning with diapers, and doctor visits...then to Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbie...lipgloss and nail polish... See where I am going with this? (I don't mean mold your daughter into the beauty pageant queen you never got to be, it is time to let go of that.) I mean, you can relive your childhood through your own kids! Now get out there and merry-go-round 'til you puke up your Happy Meal!
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